For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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