i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
