...so i touched it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
