The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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