Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
