I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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