It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
