I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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