why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
