I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
