The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
