in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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