if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
