woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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