remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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