My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
