just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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