my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
