Your dad touched me again.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
