You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Come on in and take your pants off
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