I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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