he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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