Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
