Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
