I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
