he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
