just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just googled if crying burns calories
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
