are you so shy because you have an std?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
