I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
