True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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