We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
