oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
