I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
