Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you would pick up someone in the library
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
