I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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