My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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