Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
