JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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