My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
