Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize