they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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