Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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