I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
