probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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