I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Randomize
