shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
