Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
