Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
