her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
