I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
