i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize