Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
