I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
