I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
