Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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