How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
