anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
