I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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