The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
